Phú Quốc Departures & High-Pressure Arrivals in Hội An

My oh my, do I have a story for you! It’s probably the strangest thing that has ever happened to me. But first I have to tell you how I got here from the lovely paradise island of Phú Quốc, Việt Nam, to the quant picturesque village of Hội An just outside of Đà Nẵng, Việt Nam. You remember that lovely snorkel tour I went on? Well, several people were sniffling and sneezing, and now my throat hurts and I’m all stuffy. Sigh. I’m wearing a mask everywhere so I hopefully don’t get anyone else sick, but it sucks to travel while unwell.

Stupid packing

But still, the packing was the worst with that stupid 7kg limit for combined carry-on and under-seat backpack. The drive to the airport was fast and uneventful. I still can’t get over how much construction is going on alongside all the empty and clearly abandoned buildings. Once checked in, I headed over to the security line. Some guy started maneuvering past people, working his way to the front of the line… what is this guy doing? And what is in his hand? Turns out, he just wanted to ask the security guy if they would allow a can of beer through, or if he had to down it first. Morning beer! They said yes because it wasn’t opened yet! Wild. But why do I still have to take off my shoes? Can we please stop doing that?

The airport lounge was lovely with lots to eat and delicious Vietnamese coffee (it’s like 3x stronger than Seattle coffee, so be careful!). The flight was incredibly empty. I’m curious if that is because last week the airline moved the time of departure up two hours and a bunch of people just missed their flight? If I had ignored or missed the flight change email (which was only in Vietnamese and looked like their daily advertising email), I would be in the same boat! I’m so used to flights moving around at this point, I double-check my itinerary several times before getting to the airport.

No issues with the flight, and I bought a meal that was decent. However, with my head all stuffy, my right ear hurt so bad as we landed because it wouldn’t equalize. Stupid colds. It will be several days before I can hear out of that ear again. But at least I’m flying domestic, which is so nice because I don’t have to go through customs and immigration when I land. The best! Well, I may have been able to go straight to baggage claim, but I’m pretty sure my bag was the last one off the plane. It took so long I honestly thought it may have gotten lost and checked the tracking tags multiple times. I felt bad for my driver waiting outside. He was nice enough and understanding, though.

Traffic

So it’s only about a 30-minute drive from the airport to my hotel in Hội An, assuming normal traffic… but traffic was anything but normal. We were basically stopped at one point for about 40 minutes until we eased our way through the construction bottleneck. Nothing to be done for it. We made it and the hotel is cute and in a wonderful location. No kitchen and a very tiny swimming pool, but it will do for two weeks.

Side note: One of my former coworkers from Seattle just happens to be touring through Việt Nam and just happens to be in Hội An for one more day at the exact same time as I am entering. I thought we could meet up somewhere for coffee. How fun would that be!?! But then I got sick and traffic was horrible, so we missed each other as she left to catch a train up north. It’s wild how big and yet small the world can be! Maybe we will meet somewhere else, friend.

Hội An is a very pretty town with lots of wonderful restaurants and cute shops. There are bridges and Buddhist Temples and lanterns everywhere. The entire town flooded badly, twice, a few months ago, and the community really came together to clean it all up. There are loads of activities to do, but I really just enjoy walking around and slowly taking it all in. I did wander over to the Pacific Ocean one afternoon for a glass of wine. It’s about an eighty minute walk (most people bike there) through some pretty rice fields. Nothing too exciting, but I did ride-share back.

Tết is coming up (Lunar New Year, Vietnamese New Year, Chinese New Year, or, here, just New Year) and the decorations are going up everywhere. It’s so fun to watch. I was so excited that I would be here for this magical event. Then I realized that just about everything would be closed for the week as people close shop to spend the holiday with family. Oh, well! Maybe there will be fireworks?

Time for a story… and it’s a good one

So there I am, walking down the street, when a young Vietnamese couple on a motorbike stop me for a chat. They tell me that they need help practicing their English and ask if I can help. Sure! They ask questions about how I like Vietnam, what I’m enjoying the most, and where I am staying. They have a survey they are filling out. Once done, they say thanks and let me know that they have a voucher for a prize, probably just a hat, they will give me for helping them.

Okay… I tear open the paper… and they look so excited! Jumping up and down. Clapping and saying that I won the big prize. Really hamming it up. It’s a scratch-off circle with three potential prizes. ‘A’ is a new iPhone. ‘B’ is a week-long stay at a hotel. ‘C’ is six million đồng. Now I’m really curious what the heck is going on. These two are so excited and happy, I just can’t walk away.

They tell me that they work for this brand new hotel and they get money if I take the prize voucher and go visit the hotel. It’s only valid if you scratch off the circle at the hotel. All I have to do is sit through an hour-long pitch for the hotel as a way to showcase the new grounds. Is this a timeshare? Or am I being kidnapped for ransom?… it really could go either way. But then the young couple tells me that they will only get paid if I stay for an hour. At the one-hour mark, I can just leave and they will give me a ride back to wherever I want to be dropped off. They are so good at this!

Prepare to be kidnapped

I immediately tell them that I am not getting on their motorbike. They laugh and wave a hand, and a buggy magically appears to whisk me away to some unknown destination. This can’t be smart of me. I can hear my Tucson friend in my ear whispering not to get in the stranger’s vehicle. But I throw caution to the wind and climb aboard. I do love a good tour. Along the way, the woman asks what I do for a living. Nothing. She tells me that she won’t get any money (and I won’t get the prize) if I don’t have a full-time job, and asks if I will lie so that they will get paid. It’s a fun little game we can play! Weird, but I’ll follow along.

We end up still in Hội An but much closer to the Pacific Ocean. The hotel is very gorgeous with a spectacular swimming pool right next to a really pretty river that most definitely has crocodiles! It does not, but it should. Siamese crocodiles nearly went extinct in the 1990s, but they’re slowly recovering. A wonderful Vietnamese lady signs me in and asks me some questions. She lets me know that I have to stay for the full-hour if I would like the prize. Plus, I can’t scratch off the ticket to know what my prize is until the very end. This is definitely a sales pitch for a timeshare.

Then in walks this really large English dude who is clearly the salesperson. He takes me up to a room with a bunch of other salespeople waiting for humans to show up in order to sell the things. But there is free Vietnamese coffee, and it is divine! And we get to talking, and he is so funny and has some really great stories. The banter is on point. I really could do this all day.

I have to leave for lunch

He tells me all about how this hotel is brand new but flooded badly when two typhoons hit a few months ago. He arrived to the chaos and had to relocate guests, but they cleaned up really well. I am impressed! An Australian bloke stopped by to explain hotels and points and such. It’s not a “timeshare”. It’s a “club” with all the same terms and conditions and contracts and points and such as a timeshare… but it’s not a “timeshare”… wink. Sure it’s not.

So now I’m getting hungry and I’m about to leave when the Brit says that if I stay a little bit longer, we all get to have lunch. Free lunch? Yes! We look at some of the other hotels that they own. The one in Bali, Indonesia, is absolutely stunning. He says it’s easier to sell club membership (not a timeshare) in Bali because that hotel sells itself. This one isn’t bad and has its own charm, but it’s not Bali.

On the way outside to enjoy lunch, I let slip that I would never buy today because I need to do research first. He lets me know that the offer is only available today, and he needs a “yes” or “no” by the end. Sure. I’m pretty confident if I come back tomorrow, you will sell me the not-timeshare without hesitation. But once we sit down for lunch, he pulls out his phone and, without any preamble or explanation, starts reading me negative reviews about his company. It was so weird! Things like, “I got kidnapped to come to this sales pitch.” “They wouldn’t let me leave.” “These kids on the street lied to me and tricked into going to this hotel.”

Lunch

The Pom laughed at that, saying they train the kids working the roads to tell costumers anything just to get us to come to the sales pitch. I was like, wait, they are going to get paid, right? They told me they would get paid if I came, and they worked hard to get me here so they should get something. He said they do get quite a bit of money. And each person brought in costs a few hundred dollars: paying the kids, his pay, the lunch, a future lunch voucher, the prize, etc. But all of it still costs less than many companies spend on traditional advertising on TV and such.

He reads me a few more negative reviews and I begin to realize that when I said I wanted to do research on the company before I bought into it, he thought I meant the review score on Google. No. I wanted to research if I can buy the exact thing that he is selling today for pennies elsewhere. Are people so sick of paying monthly maintenance fees that they will give me the not-timeshare for free to take over their fees? This guy seems nice and all, but why would I pay him if it’s free online?

Lunch comes, and it is absolutely delicious! I got a Vietnamese pomelo salad with shrimp and dried chicken floss that was to die for. It’s the first time I have tried pomelo, and it’s really good. It’s like a massive grapefruit but with a more delicate flavor. This right here is worth all the trouble of sitting through a sales pitch. I also got a glass of white wine, which was nice.

Can I go home now?

Well, I’ve come this far. How much does this club membership cost? Not just yet. The Brit shows me one room in the hotel. It’s very nice. He goes over all the perks of being a member and how I’d actually be saving money. Sounds too good to actually be true. I ask him point blank, how much? Well, he can’t tell me because that’s not his job. Okay, let’s get to that guy because I’m tired, but I’ve been here this long and I want to know. 

We head back to the sales floor and the Aussie comes back and tells me he has to go work the numbers for a proposal. Ten minutes later, he comes back with an offer of $1,375 USD per year in maintenance fees for 25 years, with $18,000 USD up front. And I would still have to pay to book certain hotel rooms, and I can only book in certain places during certain times. Then there’s the cost of actually getting to this side of the world for one week a year. I nearly laughed at them. Nope.

It’s too bad I was so tired, because I started thinking about it later and started adding up the total cost of ownership. With all the numbers they kept throwing around trying to convince me it was a bargain, it would have been chef’s kiss to pull out my phone right then and there, bring up my compounding interest calculator, and show them the true total cost. $18,000 upfront, $1,375 annual contributions, in an ETF or index fund making, conservatively, 6% a year. After 25 years, that account would have over $158,000 in it. Even inflation adjusted for today’s dollar, it’s still over $85,000 in exchange for 25-weeks staying at their properties. If that were rent, I’d be paying over $14,800 a month! And I’d still have to pay for travel costs to get to the property and, likely, cleaning fees or some such per stay.

Once back in reception, I did get a gift certificate to a very nice restaurant in town. Then I scratched the circle on the prize voucher and got B, because everyone get’s B, so that’s a free week’s stay at a local resort. I’m here for another month and a week, so I could totally use that… except they don’t have any availability until May. Of course they don’t. That sales dude just said that they have rooms open right now. Whatever. I had a pleasant lunch.

And with that, they put me in a cab which kindly whisked me back to my hotel for free. Five full hours after a couple of enthusiastic young adults stopped me on the street, I was back safely in my room. What a wild adventure! I wouldn’t say that I would do it again, but I did have fun, and the food was divine. Just a reminder to all my friends and family… don’t buy timeshares (or club memberships, or whatever else they want to call it) unless they come with no maintenance fees. Trust me, the math is not in your favor. It’s a wild world out there!